Scotland has certainly lit the fire under a lot of folks who are warming to the concept of secession. Of course, many of us here in Dixie have been pretty white-hot about the idea for over 150 years, but who’s counting? If Yankees are considering secession, then it must be legitimate.
So I started thinking about how that would actually work. If the Confederate States pulled a repeat of December, 1860, and declared a unison independence, what would our new day-to-day life resemble?
I should admit that my catalyst for this line of thinking was a particular Yankee caller on The Paul Finebaum radio show recently on the SEC Network. The caller in question remarked about how he didn’t understand the SEC at all, because we don’t hate each other. In fact, he said, the SEC fans seem to actively support each other, and he believed that weakened the SEC in some significant way. According to his reasoning, he made the analogy that teams in the American League East Division of Major League Baseball all hate each other, and therefore make each other stronger with their hatred. Yankees fans hate the Orioles, and Orioles fans hate the Red Sox, and everybody hates the Yankees (I’m with you there, pal). According to the caller, if SEC fans would stop supporting each other and start hating each other, then the SEC would get even stronger.
I could almost feel the smirks coming from Southerners everywhere that were listening. After all these years, after all those soul-crushing Reconstruction policies and Progressive ridicule, it continues to bug the crap out of Yankees to see that our will is still unbroken, and that we still stick together.
So, with that in mind, I decided to visit the official website of the United States government and take a look at some of the Frequently Asked Questions, or FAQs. If the Confederate States of America were back in business, how might they answer some of those same questions?
The first category I checked was “Current Events,” and I learned that there are no FAQs available for that topic. To me, that’s a big part of the problem right there.
The next category was called “Benefits and Grants,” and one of the questions asked, “Where can I go to collect my Welfare benefits?”
CSA Answer: Cleveland. Seriously, though, I feel strongly that the new CSA would be in favor of helping out its citizens who are in TEMPORARY need of assistance to help get them out from between a rock and a hard place, but I don’t believe for a minute that the new CSA would allow Welfare to become a lifestyle. Furthermore, for all of the people who believe that they are entitled to a life entirely funded by the government’s trough, I would support the new CSA providing them their first piece of free luggage so that they might pack up and move somewhere else more accommodating. The Southern work ethic is deeply embedded in our roots as a culture, and I can only foresee it continuing to thrive under those circumstances.
Then, there was another question in the same category about schools. “How can I be sure that my child will receive an accredited education?”
CSA Answer: Hold your local school board members accountable. The most visible, vibrant demonstration of democracy occurs in the local school board. Each board is (theoretically) made up of ordinary citizens, and their only criterion is that they must be a resident of the area. There are no degree recommendations, no professional requirements needed, and no experience necessary. And each local school board sets the tone and direction for its own local schools. Whatever Raleigh feels is important to students in Raleigh is all that matters in Raleigh. Raleigh couldn’t care less what is happening in the schools of Biloxi, and Biloxi doesn’t even care to know what is happening in Raleigh. Each school board is accountable to the people of their immediate vicinity, and to the sovereign state of their location, but nothing beyond that. Raleigh can teach students all about the tobacco and pork economy if they want, and Biloxi can ramp up their focus on mathematical odds and probabilities to their little hearts content.
Next, in the category called “Small Business Resources,” there was a question that asked, “How can I get a job?”
CSA Answer: Look harder. As explained earlier, Southerners value hard work, and we tend to reward the harder working members of Southern society with social benefits. On the other hand, those that choose to remain “under-utilized” face a certain amount of scorn, and they find that their path to an easier life is blocked. There’s no law that dictates this, but it’s just the way people naturally behave when government steps out of the way. Of course there will be exceptions, of course there will be inequalities, and of course the benefits may take a while to bear fruit. But the basic message is that if you are willing to work hard and be patient, there will be meaningful rewards down the road. And in the meantime, you can enjoy the azaleas and camellias.
There was also a section called “Defense,” and one of the questions asked, “What is being done to provide a reassuring defense?”
CSA Answer: Nick Saban. No, seriously, are you kidding? The CSA would retain ownership of Parris Island, and the state of South Carolina has definitely had some historical experience with the occupation of former US military installations. With the addition of Ft. Benning and the Pensacola Naval Air Station (among others) to the CSA, the armed forces of the new CSA would be nothing short of awesome. Plus, the new CSA wouldn’t be embarrassed by the presence of a home-grown army of game hunters scattered throughout the South, who would pretty much guarantee that no foreign army could occupy Southern soil without having to deal with shotguns duct-taped to the handlebars of four-wheelers. And speaking of “not being embarrassed,” the new CSA could proudly and confidently teach the electrifying battlefield tactics and maneuvers of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, J.E.B. Stuart, and many others to our Southern servicemen without worrying two cents about who might be offended.
Finally, there was a section dealing with “Consumer Issues,” and one of those questions asked, “Where can I go to find help with infectious diseases?”
CSA Answer: Cleveland. Okay, maybe that was uncalled for. But the Centers for Disease Control is in Atlanta, and we’ve cured Ebola. There you go.
The more I looked at the USA website, the more I became convinced that this whole secession thing is looking not just wishful, but more and more practical. As I held on to the belief that the new CSA would NOT be a USA-Lite, but a completely different nation, I was reassured by the prospect that we would have the opportunity to consider all of the things that had gone wrong over the past 200 years and actually fix them. Awesome.